Loss
by MareanaDiNozzo
Summary: Three times Timothy McGee catches Tony and Ziva in the breakroom.
1. Discovery

**Wow, ok. This has been bugging me for a while now. I thought of the idea and it just sort of stuck. I wish this could have happened in the show! (LOL)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, otherwise Tony and Ziva would not have ended up the way they did.**

Three times Timothy McGee caught Tony and Ziva in the break room, but the last time he catches them, there's another surprise.

The very first time he catches them, his face goes red with embarrassment. He's caught them in a very compromising position. They're pressed up against the counters, making out. _Very aggressively_. If he weren't more embarrassed, he would have yelled for them to get a room. Luckily, they noticed him first and break apart immediately. They stand side to side.

The two of them look very disorganized. Tony's navy blue shirt is untucked and there is red lipstick lining his lips. His partners' hair is frazzled and gone is her usual ponytail. Ziva takes a moment to catch her breath, and sends a sly smirk in Tim's direction. She redoes her hair into her usual ponytail and straightens her shirt. Then, she wipes the lipstick from her newfound lovers face, and strides out past McGee. Tony catches McGee's eye and waggles his eyebrows at him before chasing Ziva out. And to think all the probie agent wanted was a nutterbutter.

McGee is shocked at his discovery. And also somewhat disgusted. That was not a sight he wanted to see again, ever. Tony and Ziva don't mention it again. Not even as a joke, or in passing. They remain unusually quiet about their encounter. Maybe it was a one-time thing. Just to get it out of their system. McGee doesn't probe about it either, and he doesn't tell anyone. Yeah, he could blab to Gibbs and get them into some trouble for fun at his expense, but he decides against it. What happened was private and he doesn't want to relive it.

The second time is different from the first time. Since the first incident, he hasn't dared go back into the breakroom, but it's been almost ten months since the time he caught them. To be honest, he's almost forgotten the encounter with Tony and Ziva.

McGee enters the breakroom, and he hears it before he sees it. Ziva's laughter and soft, unintelligible murmurs. The sight before him is unlike the last time he found them. Tony has his arms wrapped around Ziva, and she has nestled her head in the crook of his neck. Somehow this seems much more awkward to interrupt than the first time. It's so intimate, but so them. They don't notice Tim right away, either. Tony catches Tim's gaze, and he whispers something in Ziva's ear. She eases out of his arms, and swipes her coffee off the table. Like the last time, she exits before Tony. This time, Tony lingers for a few moments longer. He looks as if he's going to explain what's going on, but he just shrugs nonchalantly before brushing his way past McGee back into the office.

This encounter has left McGee pondering. Obviously, their relationship wasn't just a one-night thing anymore. It's been ten months after all. Although he is curious, he knows he shouldn't ask. They would probably just stare at him blankly before walking away. Another thing that struck him was that the fact that despite their evident relationship, their interactions within the office hadn't changed. They continued to bicker and work together like normal. Maybe the intimacy was all that was missing from their relationship. McGee tries to shake these thoughts from his head as he downs a beer with his dinner. When they're ready, they'll talk to him.

It's been over a year since McGee first found the two lovers locking lips. He no longer fears the break room and enters it with a renewed vigour. It's not fair that his coworkers can't practice restraint while at the office. But the third time he catches them, it's not what he expects – at all.

McGee hasn't treated himself to a nutterbutter for almost four months, and it's time he has one. The change hot in his hand, he bustles into the breakroom, expecting to find it empty, as per usual. But it's not. Tony and Ziva are there.

This time, there's a different atmosphere about them. They're wrapped up in each other, hugging each other closely. And McGee hears somebody crying. Upon closer inspection, he realizes it's Tony. He's shaking with sobs as he holds Ziva close to him. She looks up at him, and wipes away his tears, whispering something against his chest. Tony sees Tim before he can say anything. McGee is about to say something, but Tony's phone rings.

Tony answers, "Yeah? Yeah. Got it, I'll be right there." He leaves without another word. As he passes by McGee, Tim swears he can see the tears still staining his cheeks.

Ziva sits at one of the tables, and motions for Tim to sit. She smiles sadly at him as he takes a seat. Opening her mouth, preparing to speak, a sob escapes instead. Quickly, she covers her mouth and regains her composure.

"We… - _I_ lost the baby."

McGee gapes. He didn't even know their relationship had progressed this far. Having children? Wow, that was surely unexpected.

"Was the baby Tony's?" he blurts.

"No, McGee. It was Ryan Gosling's." She glares at him, "Of course it was Tony's!"

Ziva clasps her hands tightly together. McGee is at a loss for words. In all honesty, he's surprised that Ziva is sharing something this personal – this intimate with him.

"Have you told anyone else?"

"No. Just you and Tony."

"How long have you been dating?"

Ziva recoils at the word dating. "Uh, we haven't really put a label on it."

"But it's been almost a year!"

"I know."

"How is Tony dealing with this?"

"He's pissed. He thinks it's his fault."

McGee raises an eyebrow and Ziva shrugs. She runs her fingernails along the table and stands up, pulling Tim's hand, inviting him to follow.

"We better get back to work." She says with a nod.

"Yeah. Back to work." But before they can leave, McGee stops her. "Ziva. When did this happen?"

She grimaces, "Friday night."

Tim gasps, "But it's Monday today. Ziva! You're cr – "

"No, McGee. I am fine. Let's just get back to work."

"Oh, and Ziva. I'm sorry for your loss."

.


	2. Night

**Wow. Okay, here's the next chapter. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive with the story! I'm really pleased with how this is going! I'm hoping I can find a way to incorporate every character into the story. I'm also really liking the way Tony and Tim's relationship is growing in the story. I've never really liked how Tony and McGee treat each other in the show. I think that they really help to support each other.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.**

* * *

><p>3AM would always be the shittiest time of night.<p>

Ziva let out a sharp gasp and shot up in bed. She was in so much pain. And why did she feel so damn wet? She grasped at the comforter and found it soaked right through. When she looked down at the sheets, she nearly passed out. There was so much blood. It looked like a crime scene in their bed.

"Tony." She sobbed, shaking him awake.

Since Ziva's pregnancy he had become increasingly used to Ziva's late night awakenings. Usually she just wanted something to eat or drink. But when he woke beside her and felt the sudden sensation that something was wrong. Even in the dark, he could see the red seeping along the bed.

"Oh fuck." He whispered, pulling the blankets back. Quickly, he scooped Ziva into his arms and rushed her into the bathroom. He placed her carefully into the tub. Not knowing what else to do, he began to undress her and turned on the bath. He made sure the temperature was just right and kneeled in front of the tub.

Ziva was silent, tears rolling down her face. Tony couldn't bring himself to look anywhere except at the floor. He knew that the water in the bath was probably a startling red. How could this happen to them? Just last week they had heard a heartbeat! Hell, the doctor was more positive than they were. She was 11 weeks.

Right now, he couldn't bear to be in the bathroom. There was no way Ziva was going to see him cry. He pulled himself to his feet and walked to the kitchen. Fumbling in the dark, he grabbed a glass and some ibuprofen. He filled the glass with water and let out a sob. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He should be running out to 7-11 to buy late night candy to fill her cravings, not getting ibuprofen to numb the pain. Tony covered his mouth and swallowed the lump in his throat. He would cry later, when they were ready to talk about this. Right now, he needed to be strong for Ziva.

When he returned to the bathroom, Ziva looked him in the eyes. She couldn't find words as she accepted the glass of water and dry swallowed the ibuprofen. Tony glanced down into the water. It was bright red, and if wasn't careful, might end up vomiting the dinner he had eaten just hours earlier. Again, Ziva refused to meet his gaze. He got up again and went to their bedroom.

What he didn't expect when he flicked on the light, was how much blood there actually was. Why he thought white bed sheets were a good idea was suddenly beyond him. There was no salvaging them, and they would have to go straight into the garbage. He stuffed them into a garbage bag along with the comforter. They'd be using blankets for the next few weeks – if they could even sleep. Carefully, he lay out several large blankets and a new sheet. He put the garbage bag aside and returned the bathroom. Much to his surprise, Ziva had started to run a shower. He peeked through the curtain to make sure she was okay.

Ziva had huddled herself on the floor of the tub. Tony had never seen her so vulnerable before. He was about to pull away, when she grabbed his shirt. She tugged him into the shower. He put his arms around her, and pulled her close.

"Why does nothing work for us, Tony?" she whispered.

"Who the fuck knows, Ziva."

Then, she began sobbing. Loud, uncontrollable sobbing. She was shaking in his arms, and the only thing he could do was hold her closer. They sat in the shower for what felt like hours. Tony's pajamas were soaked through, and slowly, the water began to run clear again. It was no longer tainted red, a reminder of what they had so suddenly lost.

"I ruined your pajamas."

"Oh well."

"I'll have to go to the doctors on Monday."

"Yeah."

"This really fucking sucks, doesn't it?" Ziva asked, almost sarcastic.

"Shittiest day of my life."

Tony unwrapped himself from Ziva and shut off the water. He discarded his wet clothing and dried himself off and put on a new pair of pajamas. He fetched Ziva's most comfortable silk pajamas and a fluffy towel and handed them to her. She dried off and dressed quickly. Tony swept her off her feet before she could protest and carried her to bed. He crawled in beside her, and held her close to him. She rolled over to face him and traced the wrinkle lines on his forehead. Somehow, she forced a smile and was asleep before she could utter a word. Tony cried himself to sleep that night. He had already loved their baby so much. It didn't seem possible to love something that never had the chance to be.

But tomorrow was a new day – and somehow they'd get through this.

* * *

><p>McGee looked up at Tony as he finished the story. Tony just shrugged in response.<p>

"McGee, oh god. It was like a nightmare. There was so much blood, I didn't… I didn't know what the fuck to do." Tony slammed his fist down on the table.

"Tony, you know it's not your fault."

"Whatever, McGee." DiNozzo checked his watch. "Coffee breaks over, we better get back to work before they start looking for us."

"I still think you and Ziva should take…"

"I just want to get back to work, ok?"

Tim rubbed his face. The hard part had only just begun.


	3. Secrets

Hey, thanks for the reviews and follows! Also, I know McGee is a little out of character in this chapter and I apologize for that.

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><p>"Tony, was it really necessary to invite McGee over?" Ziva says, exasperated. She reaches up to the cupboard to grab plates and cups.<p>

"He wanted to come over, Ziva. I couldn't really say no." Tony grabbed the three plates from Ziva and set them out on the table. The pizza had just been delivered moments earlier.

It had been almost a week since they had suffered their loss. For now, they were pretending everything was okay. Life as usual, they had called it. McGee, on the other hand – refused to believe that life as usual could go on. He knew his friends were hurting and seemed anxious to talk to them about how they were feeling. Tony and Ziva however, were not as anxious to talk about their feelings with each other, much less McGee.

"Come on, Ziva. It's just pizza."

"Pizza and feelings, Tony."

"You don't know that."

Ziva's eyes flickered towards the hallway, and the door that had remained tightly shut for the past week. The baby's room. They had prepared the baby's room early. It was a sunshine yellow with a white crib from Ikea that had taken three days to build. There was a rocking chair that had been handmade by some artisan at a farmers market and knitted blankets (also courtesy of Ikea). Truth be told, Ziva wasn't sure if she was ready to open that door quite yet. As if on cue, the buzzer rang. Tony pressed the button, "Come on up, McGoo."

The table had been set, the wine on the table, the takeout pizza waiting in the oven, and the elephant in the room, waiting to be addressed. Ziva opened the door, and sat down at the table. She didn't really have the energy to greet Tim. Their dinner was going to be exhausting enough. That's how last week had felt, exhausting. Everything seemed to be a struggle, waking up, going to work, and even talking seemed to suck all of her energy. This had taken a serious toll on her and Tony's relationship, which was ironic, considering the baby hadn't even been in their plans in the first place. How could something so unexpected have brought them so much joy?

"Hey guys," McGee announced, closing the apartment door behind him.

"Hi." Tony greeted. "Want a beer?"

Tim nodded and accepted the beer from his co-worker and took a seat at the table. Damn, this was already awkward. Surprisingly, McGee didn't engage in any baby talk. The trio mostly ate their pizza in silence until –

"So, when are you going to tell Gibbs?"

Ziva was so surprised she dropped her knife with a clatter on her plate. Tony immediately reached out to comfort Ziva, but she moved away from him.

Ziva's tone was stern, angry, "We're not going to tell him. He doesn't need to know."

"And, what if you had carried the baby to term?" Tony winced, but McGee continued, "Ziva, you would just disappear? What would you have done when you started showing? And what's more – when the baby was born, what would you do then?"

"Baggy shirts and babysitters." Ziva replied casually.

"What if you decide you're going to try to have another baby, and it works? What then? More lies?" McGee exclaimed, his voice getting louder and louder.

Ziva slammed her fists on the table, both the plates and the two men jumping up. "Why do you care so much? This is Tony and I's _private_ life and – "

"It's because work was miserable this week with you two. It feels awful to not be able to help and support you because nobody knows!"

Suddenly, Ziva's tone changed. "Alright. Tony and I had not really thought about it all that much; just we weren't going to tell anybody."

Tony put down his pizza, "I guess we owe it to McGee for keeping our secret."

"When did you two… happen?" McGee inquires.

The couple gives each other uneasy glances, their relationship hadn't exactly started with nervous first dates and goodnight kisses at the front door.

* * *

><p>Ziva always left before Tony woke up. Always. That's just how it was. They never really talked about it, and neither brought it up. She would show up at his door, they would fall into his bed, and she would leave before morning broke. Then, they would go to work and act like nothing had happened the night previously. Rinse, wash, repeat.<p>

That's how it had started. She had shown up at his apartment one night, and they had gone from there. There was no expectation of having to talk about feelings and things remained uncomplicated.

One night, however, Ziva prodded Tony awake. "Hey, wake up."

"Hmm? You're… still here?"

"It's not morning yet."

"Right."

"What is the name for this?"

"For what?" He raised his eyebrows, and rolled to face her.

"This." She waved her arms, referring to their current situation.

"Well, American society would call this… friends with benefits, I guess."

"Friends with benefits." She scrunched her eyebrows together. "So, this is the _benefit_."

"Yep."

"Alright, friend. See you tomorrow." And then she rolled out of bed, and disappeared out the door. Tony heard her collect her purse and gather her clothes. Then, he heard the door shut moments later. Suddenly, he wished the benefit could be more permanent.

Six months into whatever they're doing, the inevitable happens. Ziva spends the night, and Tony is surprised. Especially so because Ziva is literally cuddled right into him. When she wakes up, she immediately pulls away from him.

"Oh." She breathes, pulling the blanket tight around her.

"You stayed."

"I guess I did." Ziva grins at him.

"Did you mean to stay? Because American society likes to call this sort of thing a rela…"

Ziva silences him with a kiss. He mumbles against her cheek, "What does this make us now, friend?"

"Don't say it!" She sits up laughing. "Seriously, if you say it, I'll leave."

"Say what?"

"Relationship!"

"Hey!" Tony says with mock hurt, "You don't want me to take you out to dinner and a movie? And hold your hand under the table?"

"Tony." She glares at him.

"What? C'mon Ziva." He pulls her closer to him, his hands intertwining with hers.

"I'll only go to the movies with you if you make me breakfast first."

"Done deal."

"I am still not your girlfriend, you know."

Tony shudders, "Ew. Girls have cooties." He grins before kissing her.

* * *

><p>Ziva pulls herself out of her memory, "Uh," Suddenly, she falters. Describing the beginning of their relationship is something she doesn't really want to hash out to McGee.<p>

Luckily, Tony has a great response, "It was just a natural progression, I guess. Like, it just sort of happened."

Despite the fact Tony tries to remain nonchalant about how they came to be a couple, McGee knows they're holding back. For a reason he can't identify, it's frustrating that the two people he spends the most time with can't trust him with their secrets. After all, they spend all day protecting each other from bullets and bad guys, so why can't they trust him with secrets. Then, McGee realizes the answer – Gibbs.

McGee takes a large bite of cheese pizza, "I shtill fink… you should tell Gibbs." He swallows his pizza.

Ziva laughs out loud, "No fucking way, Tim."

"Yeah, I value my life." Tony adds, taking a long gulp of his beer.

Ziva gets up and goes to the fridge. She opens the door and searches for a moment. There's some noise of things being shuffled around and bottles falling, but then she produces three bowls with a brown substance in them.

"Chocolate mousse." She declares proudly, setting them down on the table. She gets spoons and places one in each bowl.

A realization hits Tim. Ziva looks so comfortable in Tony's apartment. Like she belongs there. Ziva lives with Tony. It dawns on him that this relationship wasn't just sleeping together and then the cliche _"Oops I'm pregnant,"_ but rather something more meaningful. Maybe it's why they're so reluctant to tell Gibbs. The prospect of having to separate is probably awful. Obviously they had established a life together. An apartment and what was going to be a family.

"You really should tell Gibbs." McGee insists, "I think he might be sympathetic, maybe he would even have advice. He was married once too."

"We can't tell him." Ziva says, adverting her gaze from the two male agents.

Her not-so-secret boyfriend nods in approval. They've toyed with the idea before. Sitting down with Gibbs in his basement with a glass with bourbon and just telling him. But no matter how many times they've talked about it, they can never bring themselves to do it. Their relationship is private, intimate, and they want to keep it that way.

Ziva excuses herself from the table and walks down the hallway. Tony watches her leave, expecting her to turn left to the bathroom, but instead she turns right. Right into the nursery.

"Well," Tony falters, "Thanks for the little chat, McGee. But you should probably be going."

"Uh, bye. Thanks for the pizza. Remember what I said, okay?"

The older agent shows the younger agent out without another word. In a way, there was some truth to what McGee had said. Coming clean would definitely shed some weight off the couple's shoulders. And the added support from the team would be nice, but the truth seemed so daunting. Their secrets were so big for two people.

"Hey." Tony enters the nursery where Ziva is slumped against the crib.

They hesitate there for a moment. Neither of them has dared enter this room since Ziva lost the baby. For a few seconds, the softness of the room suffocates Tony. Everything in the room is so innocent; soft. This room was supposed to be filled with bubbly laughter and tears of joy. Now it was filled with tears of grief.

"Fuck this." Ziva bites out.

"Hey, hey," Immediately Tony takes Ziva into his arms. He holds her close, it's the only thing he can do.

"I just want to know why this hurts so much. We didn't even plan for this. None of this was planned. Us. The baby. Nothing. And now that it's gone, I just feel so empty." It takes her a moment to realize the irony of her choice of words. Empty. She lets a laugh bubble out.

"We still have us, Ziva."

"I know."

And just like that, Ziva knew they would eventually be okay.


End file.
